we are all peggy olson staring at lobster.
synecdoche

we are all peggy olson staring at lobster.

synecdoche

I just keep thinking how Jimmy McNulty it is was of Dominic West to turn down the role of Mance Rayder while giving interviews saying he couldn’t remember the name of the character he was offered.

Hypothetical: If I watched 9 House of Cards episodes in the past 36 hours, what percentile would that put me in of all House of Cards viewers? of all Netflix viewers?

in honor of skyfall

The Top 12 Most Horrifying Sentences in the Wikipedia Article “Komodo Dragons”

12. A member of the monitor lizard family (Varanidae), it is the largest living species of lizard, growing to a maximum length of 3 metres (10 ft) in rare cases and weighing up to around 70 kilograms (150 lb).

11. A Komodo dragon at London Zoo named Sungai laid a clutch of eggs in late 2005 after being separated from male company for more than two years.

10a. Young Komodo dragons spend much of their first few years in trees, where they are relatively safe from predators, including cannibalistic adults, who make juvenile dragons 10% of their diet.[20] 

10b. When the young must approach a kill, they roll around in fecal matter and rest in the intestines of eviscerated animals to deter these hungry adults.[20]

9.  After digestion, the Komodo dragon regurgitates a mass of horns, hair, and teeth known as the gastric pellet, which is covered in malodorous mucus. After regurgitating the gastric pellet, it rubs its face in the dirt or on bushes to get rid of the mucus, suggesting that it, like humans, does not relish the scent of its own excretions.[16]

8. To catch prey that is out of reach, the Komodo dragon may stand on its hind legs and use its tail as a support.[20].

7. Komodo dragons also occasionally attack humans in the area of West Manggarai Regency where they live in Indonesia.[9]

6. It has been hypothesized that this reproductive adaptation allows a single female to enter an isolated ecological niche (such as an island) and by parthenogenesis produce male offspring, thereby establishing a sexually reproducing population (via reproduction with her offspring that can result in both male and female young).

5. For smaller prey up to the size of a goat, their loosely articulated jaws, flexible skull, and expandable stomach allow it to swallow its prey whole. 

4. A Komodo dragon may attempt to speed up the process [of swallowing its prey] by ramming the carcass against a tree to force it down its throat, sometimes ramming so forcefully that the tree is knocked down.[24]

3. Its saliva is frequently blood-tinged, because its teeth are almost completely covered by gingival tissue that is naturally lacerated during feeding.[16]

2. Occasionally they consume humans and human corpses, digging up bodies from shallow graves.[20] 

1a. Auffenberg described the Komodo dragon as having septic pathogens in its saliva (he described the saliva as “reddish and copious”), specifically the bacteria: E. coli,Staphylococcus sp.Providencia sp.Proteus morgani andP. mirabilis.[27] 

1b. The rapid growth of these bacteria was noted by Fredeking: “Normally it takes about three days for a sample ofP. multocida to cover a petri dish; ours took eight hours. We were very taken aback by how virulent these strains were”.[32]

BONUS: The Simple English article also contains this tidbit: 

In June 2001, a Komodo dragon seriously hurt Phil Bronstein—executive editor of the San Francisco ChronicleBronstein had entered the dragon’s cage at the Los Angeles Zoo after being invited in by its keeper. The zoo keeper had told him to take off his white shoes, which could have excited the Komodo dragon. Bronstein was bitten on his bare foot.

sorry for not writing

this was always a compendium of things I obsess over or jokes I make on a daily basis but ever since moving within a 5 yard to 50 mile radius of most of this blog’s readership, I feel uncomfortable about being a Joke Repeater. 

Hello, and welcome to a new blog feature/tag/humblebrag called SORRY, ROOMMATES. In which I will try DIY house projects and decorating projects and give an honest appraisal of my work, which will most likely end with “Sorry, Roommates.” 
Meet Kitchen table. Three stained and primed pine boards were bolted together. This beast of wood was then attached to ebay-ed hairpin legs and were oiled up with wood oil that kind of made me feel greasy. 
It’s too narrow for the craigslisted knockoff Eames chairs to fit on the short side of the table, it’s rickety (but I trust to put my computer on it), and it’s given me a couple splinters. SORRY, ROOMMATES. sorry for the overkill chairs too, forgive me bros, but how else will people know we’re hip to mid century modern knockoffs?

Hello, and welcome to a new blog feature/tag/humblebrag called SORRY, ROOMMATES. In which I will try DIY house projects and decorating projects and give an honest appraisal of my work, which will most likely end with “Sorry, Roommates.” 

Meet Kitchen table. Three stained and primed pine boards were bolted together. This beast of wood was then attached to ebay-ed hairpin legs and were oiled up with wood oil that kind of made me feel greasy. 

It’s too narrow for the craigslisted knockoff Eames chairs to fit on the short side of the table, it’s rickety (but I trust to put my computer on it), and it’s given me a couple splinters. SORRY, ROOMMATES. sorry for the overkill chairs too, forgive me bros, but how else will people know we’re hip to mid century modern knockoffs?

get ready for some whimsy kitchen renovation, guys. 

get ready for some whimsy kitchen renovation, guys. 

our apartment’s at the kfc.

our apartment’s at the taco bell.

our apartment’s at the combination kfc and taco bell!

our apartment’s at the kfc.

our apartment’s at the taco bell.

our apartment’s at the combination kfc and taco bell!

there is a spectre hanging over san francisco.

and it is the crippling fear that your craigslist roommate will "bring the party home."

analysis of search results:

10 - “doesn’t bring the party home”

10 - “don’t bring the party home”

9 - “not bring the party home”

1 - “won’t bring the party home”

1 - “never brings the party home” 

3 - “rarely bring the party home”

(and one stand out: “always brings the party home.” Party on, Wayne.)

on overpriced loft apartments in oakland

was it not Gandhi who said, “be the gentrification you want to see in the world”?  

great moments in craigslist apartment hunting.

"NOTE: shipyard view. Think The Wire Second season. Train is very loud and runs by 15 to 20 times a day. Must Love Trains, and not be bothered by loud train noises.”

a second vocabulary lesson for your early 20s

a sequel, work and internet edition! 

a Potemkin project - what you have open on your screen during Friday afternoons at work; the smoke and mirrors of productivity (alt usage: Potemkin chore wheel) 

morning after martyrdom - the Catch 22 of being epically hung over at work; your Herculean effort to arrive somewhat on time and contribute demonstrates commitment to your managers, coworkers, and job, and yet they must never realize your condition, so they’ll never know and appreciate your sacrifice.

a joy leash - the equal and opposite reaction to the flash of self-satisfaction that comes from acknowledgment on the internet (reblog, a like, an upvote); the hammer that swings down on you for feeling proud of easy-won praise for your easy-won creativity, and mistaking them both for something more substantial.